How you delight me…oh no wait a minute…how you used to delight me so much (some might have said too much, in fact some did say that a few times! Bastards!). Now I fear the dread is very much here again. Saying that I have certainly felt the Christmassy feelings better this year up to now. After lasts years desperate attempt to just get to the 27th December and then everything will be alright stage. I thought things had shifted and made a change but it seems that after a conversation about it today that perhaps I am far from ready to embrace what is coming, very far indeed and this worries me somewhat. I have been hopeful that wouldn’t be the case, in fact I hadn’t even though about it until the words on my lips came out saying..I would love to just disappear this Christmas, I would have loved to do exactly that last year too, a retreat, in fact I wanted to do that from my whole life the year before, run far far away until the pain and hurt could not touch me at all. Saying that I am so grateful to the world for keeping me together at the weakest part as not hiding or running allowed me to face demons and move forward to become something much more rounded and alive than ever before. So it turns out that because I could not run away last Christmas I had to face some even bigger demons. The one clanger I was not expecting, having Christmas on my own, alone, a time for sharing, the joy of and with other people. A time when you can’t erase dates and times of year, you just have to get through it. The best way you know how, with the best people you have around you. I made it through solely because of them and I will spend the rest of my life finding a way to make that up to them all, repaying the kindness that goes beyond, way beyond.
For me this year is going to be about surrounding myself with all that richness of support and love. I’m stronger this year, still trying to find a way to cope with that loss, as September was and is a hard month so it is that December is pretty shit for me too and I’m sure that is what I feel, the sorrow the loss and it is very consuming.
Unfortunately not a great deal I can or even want to do to put that time of year off, however I need to embrace it more this time around, knowing that each and every year the pain will be less, the way I feel will improve and I will get my pure and unadulterated love of Christmas back if it is the last thing I do! I mean it, the absolute last thing I do!
I can totally understand how those in similar situations feel about Christmas and how overwhelming that first proper year is, the first actual year itself is a blur, Christmas especially, just a bit of a muddle through, the first proper year when you can feel things again is when it hits you the hardest! The most intense feelings of everything, clouding your every judgement.
Wanting to make it so that Christmas is not lost, that the spirit of it is not wasted, so the kids don’t miss out. That’s what my last festive season was about. Covering over all the cracks of the worst time of my life, to put on the bravest face possible, to go beyond anything I’d ever thought I’d have to go beyond to prove that it can be okay, that what matters is not that you have to be alone and that is rubbish (it really is and was) but that with the strength of being alone, I rarely if ever feel alone. I know who my people are and that is who I spent my time with, Christmas was good, as good as any other. Because surely that is one of the sentiments of the holidays to overcome stuff, take stock, appreciate the people around you and rejoice in things that are real. Whilst eating and drinking a shit load of food and booze! Wa hoo!
This Christmas I won’t be freaking out being at home on my own doing all that Christmassy stuff on my own, instead I’m sharing the joy of Christmas Eve with the most dearest and loved people in my life, we will all share that joy and I’ll definitely enjoy having a few extra sous chefs around for assisting with preparation for the mighty feast on The Big Day of which I will be spending with even more of my people, those that have been my rocks and guides for the time I was blinded by pain and sorrow. So to now extend that table to the people that mean the most to you. Those that you can’t be with, be with in spirit, send them the message in whatever forms that needs to take. It’s not just about that night and that day, it’s the whole time from now and beyond.
Make those festive moments count. I’m ready to make mine.
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