It’s the expectation of something, the excitement of the run up, the build up, the planning, the “ooh what’s going to happening, what will it be like, can you even imagine!” The experiences we have are what makes us who we are, what we are going to become. The magic of what could define us rather than what we physically own or what we do as a career or as a job. So many people ask, what do you do then? Well…I’d almost rather not explain what I do now, “I’m just a… so I can do …, but not by choice, I used to be…you know, I used to be something that mattered. When what I should actually be saying should go more like this….”I’m a mum, singer, a songwriter, a writer, an enthusiast, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a gypsy at heart, a talented designer maker, a lecturer, a traveller, a fan of music, an enlightened being, a festive season lover, a Beatles fan, a Take That fan, a festival goer, a music maker, a craft lover, a Disney fan but when I’m not doing or being that lot I work in a golf club making the finest lattes in the land or pouring the most crisp refreshing lager or pulling the finest beer whilst staring out at the best view by far, watching foxes and squirrels and golfers wander past the window. However that is a little bit of a mouthful and probably a little too much to share upon first meeting someone, right? Now when people used to ask me the same question, I would happily and proudly say, “I’m a lecturer”, reply’s usually consisted of wow, brilliant, that must be great, what do you lecture in? “Fashion” wow that is great, bet that is good, don’t look at what I’m wearing though, I’m a trend setter you know! It felt good, saying proudly what I was, who I was, although that was never what defined me then, I just didn’t realise it at the time. I had a hard time grasping why people even needed to ask, they just do, we all just do. Why does it matter what I do for a living? I wasn’t particularly happy where I was at, I did it because of the students, always because of the students, of wanting to give something back, of feeling like I don’t have anything else to give but my knowledge, experience and how to make things so why not share that with others, benefit them in some way, for the greater good of the world. It was right though, at the time, and it gave me the opportunity to travel, to see some wonderful places, have the experiences that I so longingly craved for, meet many interesting and wonderful people young and old and ultimately the best rewards of that whole experience were my own children. Having the well paid job that I apparently needed to be able to safely bring small people into the world!
I wouldn’t change that 10 years for anything, there are elements, I definitely would rather forget, dark moments of pure sadness and hints of depression laid on the sofa, curtains drawn, hiding from the world and then exceeding light moments sat at the top of the Duomo in Milan on the most beautiful spring day you could imagine. Couldn’t have complained really! I know that’s what kept me going really, thinking about the next invaluable trip or experience I knew I was going to have, without fail usually each year. Just got to get to that point and it will be okay, then following that there is always the fashion show and the moment of celebration and reflection that made me well up with pride no questions. It’s when that is lost that things become more painful, less bright, more dull and less hopeful, more hopeless so that’s when I definitely needed to get out as it were. I got out, strangely enough that led me to the next little tiny slither of wonder that was to become my new way of life. The friends I made in such an intense period of my life are to shape what I am doing now and what I truly love and how I truly feel. The sense of being, the sense of truth and honesty I have regained for my life, for my new friendships that can never be lost. I have to set it free and to help others and there experiences become great happy light ones. When I see others hurting and going through struggles that could be avoided, that are man made, then it is my place to fight for them, to be their voice, to take that awful experience away from them, to do what I can. With support, encouragement, taking the defenceless and making them be heard. What happened to me, I’m okay with that, there is a reason and I see it now…let the battles commence.