It has been so good to have allowed time for reflection, time for organising my mind for the coming months. I’m currently still furloughed and will be for the foreseeable future. I honestly can’t see an end point or a way of going back. I suppose what I am trying to figure out is how and what and the if of what my new style life will look like?!
I completely consider that it this is what it must be like for so many other people too, so many individuals in such a similar position or situation.
This time has been used to kind of try and re figure out what my purpose is, what I need to be doing.
Action or non-action
I have talked over the last couple of years about how this urge and strong overwhelming need to do things comes from an intense place of doing and action. The urge has become more of a fixation and I know I lose myself within it at times.
I am clearer now than I have ever been and it is incredibly refreshing I must say. Yet at the same time utterly debilitating. What should I do first? What shall I prioritise? How am I going to get it all done?
Just a few questions that enter my head throughout each and every day. Yet at the same time trying desperately to remain present and engaged in the life right here in front of me.
This is I suppose the hardest part. That balancing act between active thoughts and actual reality.
All of it is one, and in one way we can really feel and know that and then on the other flip side we feel it impossible to separate the two!
So how do we get that equilibrium, how do we reach that point that all of it can exist in one space.
Well that part we haven’t quite figured out…yet.
Although it was clear that I made pretty good headway in to it by at least allowing myself some time off, some much needed time out from the need to be doing and remain active.
Instead I went and did a spot of camping, walking, cycling, star gazing, wild swimming, cooking and reconnecting with myself, my children, those around me and all those not around me.
Checking off the list
What I realised since returning from this magical wonderland of crazy bucket list check off’s was that things still organically happen and in fact some things are all the more better for taking a bit of a back seat. Letting things happen as they should not as you want them to.
It really is good to then come back and give things a new fresher pair of eyes. A more enlightened pair of eyes. Don’t get me wrong though, as per usual that little bit of doubt crept in as always, should I be doing this, should I have done that, what else could I do, surely sitting around enjoying myself won’t help me get any further on this journey?
I found the answer to that and the answer was a simple NO. What we stand and fight for has not gone away. It won’t go away. Wheels have been set in motion and the change is holistically occurring I have no doubts about that.
The urges to push things along and make things happen only halt what is good and hold back the best bits. What we still need to do is let go of those reins a bit more..yes that’s right.. let it very much go and believe, trust, let the universe take some of the strain and let it flow if a little more naturally. Well I can give it a try can’t I!
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